Recently, for a month or two now, I have been so cranky. There were a lot of factors contributing to this behavior from external sources such as school works, toxicity from surrounding people, to internal ones – frustrations, anxiety, and all the rest.
A Break in the Clouds // ABC #1
I have thought to write up to get myself to think straight (which by “straight”, i meant “better”). I procrastinated this because of the summer vacation spirit that has gotten in me. My summer vacation is mostly binge-watching my favorite YouTubers’ videos, watching movies, catching up on the WebToon comic that I am subscribed to, eating, and sleeping massively (literally just sleeping to wakeup and sleep). All sum up to me simply and plainly spending hours holding and staring at my cellphone, but be that as it may, I should stop setting my goal aside to stop myself from being grumpy, because I can feel that it is gradually becoming my personality already, which I would not want to be.
My so-called “summer vacation spirit” also worsened my laziness. Honestly, I helped on household chores seldomly already, which is so unjustifiable. (I know, i know. It’s getting WAY out of hand. I have to fix this, SRSLY.)
Let me lay this out in visual way possible (for me):
Rays of Light
Here are the hopeful prospects on this entry:
Grumpiness. Life is not only about goodness, specifically, subjective goodness. Things may not turn out the way we planned them to, but there is more to life than just being stuck at the moment, grieving and regretting on things that we cannot control, and more so, change. Therefore, we should move forward, stand up, and grasp the learnings from those downs to help ourselves move up. Let us make those as bricks for us to use and step on to stand higher, aim higher, and progress from our past ground.
Laziness. “There ain’t no excuses… Your mama raised you better than that.” If you know me so well, you would know that these lyrics were sang by my most favorite singer. Well, it is also possible for you to know this if you know the singer whom I love so much well, that she sang those lyrics on one of her songs. That’s too much “know” in 2 sentences, huh. Now, enough with my silliness.
Meghan Trainor’s song No Excuses perfectly fit my laziness. This was the first song that popped in my mind on this topic. Firstly, laziness connotes that there is something to be done at the moment, there is a task to be accomplished, but one chooses not to do it because of reasons that are intentional or not. For me, laziness is associated with procrastination because I give myself the right to not do things because I say to myself “You can do it later. You have so much time. It’s vacation.” Which is just a false reassurance that is feeding my lazy self. For me, I am partly forgivable. I spent months of mental, physical, and emotional roller-coaster ride of school-related matters (stu-DYING. Just kidding). My freshman year was really emotionally draining. I deserve a break.
I know in myself that this deserved break is not forever, I am not looking forward to it as well (I am workaholic. TBH. I am “system” when it comes to work. Maybe i would explain that word to you someday). This realization of laziness is the ray of light to this stormy cloud, actually. I think of this realization as the wakeup call, an alarm, that I finally got the zen Sharmine who is ready to get back on the battle field. Ready to fall and rise up again, no matter what (upset self, please see this when you are down) to be the best version of myself, to not see only the surface of the circumstances, to not see the circumstances as a definition or part of myself, but to see them as an opportunity to introspect, and mostly to be patient and not abruptly decide by emotions (count 1-10 or even a hundred before reacting, Sharmine/reader – it helps me to react better actually, or should I say, in a rational or pretentious/pleasing way possible).
It is okay not to be okay, but girl, you have to do what you love and be what you are.